Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
