a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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