somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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