I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
