I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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