I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
