bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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