you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
