Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
