sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
