So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
MIDGETS
????
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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