allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
