Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize