I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I will pee on everything he values.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
