Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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