I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize