think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
