relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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