yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize