Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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