why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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