The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
