Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
