we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
