I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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