My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize