either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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