BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize