In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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