My friends, they love my intelligence
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
