I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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