I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
