You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm passing your future prison.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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