Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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