I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
