Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i think i just lost a toe
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
