A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
