i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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