so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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