just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
