i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
