Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
