oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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