you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
