Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
