i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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