so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
