then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
