dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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