im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
