I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
