Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
