Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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