laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
