I think scott just propositioned me for sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
