And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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