My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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