Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
