dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Randomize
