i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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