Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
There was a lot of him and a little penis
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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