Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
