happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
