my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
